Things mario and Co. would never say or do
by DeNerd
Summary: The title says it all really. The idea is taken from Benjamin T. Kitsune's things Banjo Kazooie would never say or do. CHAPTER 2 NOW UP!
1. Default Chapter

Things Mario and Co. would never say or do.

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Note, if you read this before you may have noticed that it has now been censored/ changed so all of the really bad swearwords are not see able. This is so it would be suitable for a PG-13 audience and would therefore actually be read by people.

I would like to thank Benjamin T. Kitsune for giving me the idea for this and apologise for copying it without asking. Also I would like to apologise for the mindless swearing about halfway through this fanfic. I would also like to thank my sister for giving me the ideas for some of the things that would never happen.

Toad: Mario! Bowser has kidnapped Peach!

Mario: Again? I can't be bothered! Get Luigi to sort it out!

Luigi: What! No way! She's your girlfriend!

*Wario and Waluigi enter.*

Waluigi: Toad is there a problem?

Toad: Not that you'll be bothered but Bowser has kidnapped Peach.

Wario: Vile dog! What cheek has he for even considering the imprisonment of our fair princess!

Toad: No I didn't think you'd be both… *He realises what Wario has just said.* YOU WHAT!?!

Waluigi: Let us go, dear brother, to rescue yonder maiden from the clutches of that evil swine that calls himself Bowser!

*********

Peach: Thank you for rescuing me Mario. I'll have to do something special for you!

Mario: O.K I'll have one of those "death be chocolate" cakes with masses of cream and…

Peach: (giggles) No Mario, I mean something **really** special for you.

*She stands on a table and starts dancing seductively while taking her clothes off one by one.*

*********

Luigi: D'you know why I like Mario so much? It's because he is so much better than me at everything! I never have to do any work or get credit for any adventures! It's great! I love him so much!!!

*********

Daisy: Mario is taking me out on a date tonight.

Peach: Ha! He probably just wants to tell you to leave him alone! 

Daisy: Why would he want to do that?

Peach: Everyone knows he likes me the most!

Daisy: Only because you're so desperate that you jump on tables and take all your clothes off!

Peach: How did you find out about that you b****!

Daisy: W****!

Peach: S***!

Daisy: Slapper!

Peach: Cow!

Etc, etc…

*********

Baby Mario: Toad, What's sex?

Toad: Go into Mario's bedroom around midnight and you'll find out!

*********

*It is the end of Banjo-Tooie.*

Banjo: This skull is starting to hurt my foot!

*Mario and Luigi enter holding Kirby who is tied up and gagged.*

Luigi: Hey Banjo! Try using this instead!

Mario: He doesn't hurt as much!

Banjo: O.K. 

*He throws Grunty's skull off the roof as they start using Kirby as a football. It lands on the floor and smashes.*

Grunty: (Just before smashing) You B*******! Wait till Banjo-Threeie! 

*********

*Daisy and Peach are still arguing. Waluigi is watching them.*

Daisy: Hussy!

Peach: Hooker!

Daisy: Dog!

Peach: Fatty!

Daisy: Prostitute!

Waluigi: (Getting over excited.) Lesbians!

*They glare at him.*

Waluigi: (Nervously) Just thought I'd join in…

Daisy: I'll hold. You kill.

Waluigi: Oh s***! *He runs away.*

*********

*Mario and co. are having a party.*

Wario: So who is the best out of all of us?

Mario: Well that's obvious…

Toad: (Under his breath) Oh no, not again!

Mario: It's Luigi!

Luigi: What! Of course it isn't me! It's Waluigi!

Waluigi: No! It's Wario!

Wario: Not a chance! It's Peach!

Peach: You're joking! The only thing I'm good at is being kidnapped. It's got to be Daisy!

Daisy: No! It's that cute little Yoshi!

Yoshi: No, it's Donkey Kong!

Donkey Kong: No, It's Mario!

*Toad stares in amazement as the debate goes round in circles.* 

*********

Toad: Luigi! Mario has been kidnapped by Bowser!

Luigi: At last! I get to go on an adventure!

Peach: Don't get over excited boys…

*She is dressed like Lara Croft and is holding a small pistol. 

Peach: I'll handle it. *She walks past them and out the castle.*

Luigi: Why doesn't the stupid idiot ever do that when she's the one who's been kidnapped!

Toad: That's women for you!

*********

*Daisy, Peach, Maple, Plum and Birdo are having a slumber party. They are all in practically see through nightgowns. Wario and Waluigi are watching through a peephole in Wario's bedroom.*

Wario: I wish I had a camcorder!

Waluigi: Lets ask Luigi for his. *Before Wario can stop him he calls Luigi into the room.* Hey Luigi can we borrow your camcorder.

Luigi: Why do you want it? And why they hell has Wario got his eye plastered to the wall? *He realises what Wario is doing.* Ew! That is sick! I'm gonna tell them what your doing!

*He walks into slumber party without knocking just as Peach is changing her clothes.*

Daisy: Luigi you perv! Get out! *She slaps him*

Luigi: Ow! That hurt you stupid moron!

Daisy: Loser!

Luigi: Slut!

Daisy: G**!

Luigi: Slapper!

Daisy: @$$wipe!

Etc, etc 

*********

*Mario and Luigi are watching "back to the future".*

Luigi: Hey, Mario wouldn't it be cool if we built a time machine and stopped Bowser from existing?

Toad 1: (From behind them.) Don't! You screw up most of time and space!

Mario: How would you know, shorty?

Toad 1: Because I am from the future!

Luigi: Prove it!

*Toad 2 enters the room*

Toad 2: Hey Mario, Peach told me to bring up some popcorn for you. *He sees Toad 1.* Oh my God! *He has a heart attack and dies.*

Toad 1: Oh damn! That wasn't supposed to happen!

*Suddenly there is a bright flash and Toad 3 appears.*

Toad 3: Hey self. I'm here to tell you not to go back to warn Mario and Luigi 'cos you end up giving our past self a heart attack!

*Toad 1 looks at Toad 3 for a brief second before having a heart attack and dying.* 

Toad 3: Oh damn! That wasn't supposed to happen! I must have set the time machine wrong. Hey if I just killed my past sell won't that mean that I never exist? *He realises that he is starting to fade away.* Oh bugger! I'll take that as a yes. *He fades completely*

Mario: He can talk! Telling us not to build our time machine. He should listen to his own advice!

Luigi: D'you wanna go build one?

Mario: Yeah O.K

*Toad screams and wakes up. It was a nightmare.*

Toad: Thank God for that. It was all a dream.

*He tries to get back to sleep, but he can't because there is a series of loud noises coming from downstairs. He goes to find out what they are and finds Mario and Luigi building something.*

Toad: What the hell are you doing?

Mario: We're building a time machine so we can go back and stop Bowser from existing.

Toad: AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! *He runs away*

(Just in case you got confused there. Toad 1 is from the future, Toad 2 is from the present and Toad 3 is from further into the future.)

*********

That's all the ideas I could think of! Please Review and tell me what you thought of it. JJJJJ 


	2. MORE (Slightly rubbishy) NONSENSE!!!

Chapter 2.

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Mario dashes into Bowser's fortress. He runs straight into Bowser, who is standing just inside the door.

Mario: What! You're not supposed to stand there!

Bowser: I know. But I thought it would be easier just to give the Princess back straight away. That way neither of us gets hurt.

Mario: Good point! Hand her over then. 

Bowser: I'd like to. But I've got a reputation of a no good evil villain to keep up. So how about we just pretend to fight and I'll let you win.

Mario: Okey-Dockey.

Mario pretends to thump Bowser in the stomach. He doubles over dramatically. Mario then grabs one of his ears and starts twisting it about.

Bowser: OWWWW! Hey that hurts! StopitstopitstopitSTOPIT!!!

Mario stops twisting Bowser's ear. Bowser gets up and looks as though he is about to smash Mario's head in. But then he remembers the deal.

Bowser: (Rolling over melodramatically.) Oh! No! You merciless ear twisting is too much! Goodbye cruel world! (Lowers his voice) Here's the key to the dungeons. Peach is in the one marked with a 1 to the left of the door.

Authors note: This section is a parody of the musical "Little Shop Of Horrors."

Yoshi and Luigi are in the palace dining room.

Yoshi: Feed me.

Luigi: But Peach put you on a diet!

Yoshi: Feed me.

Luigi: But I'm not allowed!

Yoshi: I could make it worth your while. I could grant you anything you want.

Luigi: Oh yeah! 'Cos you're a genie, right?

Yoshi: What! Did you think it was just a coincidence?

Luigi: I thought what was a coincidence?

Yoshi: Mario's success of course! Haven't you noticed that, since he met me, his life has improved A LOT! 

Luigi: You did that? You made him a hero and Peach like him?

Yoshi: Sure I did! And I could do it for you to.

He starts singing to the tune of "Feed Me (Git It)" from Little Shop Of Horrors.

Would you like to save the princess?

And be given her address?

Then be allowed to look up her dress? 

You're gonna get it!

(If you wannit!)

How'd you like beat Mario?

And be called the best hero?

And make his popularity-rating zero?

You're gonna get it.

Luigi: (joining in.)

Gee, I'd like to be a big star.

And, as a hero, I could go far.

And, with the girls, be popular!

Yoshi: So go get it!

If you want a rational,

If it's gonna freak you out this time!

Stop and think it over pal,

A lot of pigs deserve to die!

Luigi: Er… Pigs?

Yoshi: Yeah! Some pork chops would be nice. Or some sausages or bacon…

Luigi: I'll go get you some right now.

Peach: Luigi I put him on a diet for a reason! Don't you dare get him any food!

Luigi: But he…

Peach: And, No, Yoshi doesn't have the ability to give you anything you want if you feed him. He's already tried that on Toad, Wario and Waluigi!

Yoshi: (under his breath) Stupid, mean old hag!

*Daisy and Luigi are still arguing from chapter 1*

Daisy: @$$hole!

Luigi: Slapper!

Daisy: Useless sidekick!

Wario: (From the room on the left) Ooh! That was mean!

Waluigi: (Also from the room on the left) Wario! Shut up!

Peach: Wario! Waluigi! You've been watching us!

Daisy: You perves!

Mario: (From the room on the right) Hah! Wario's such an idiot! Now Peach is gonna kill him.

Yoshi: (Also from the room on the right) Oh well done! Now they know that we're watching to!

Luigi: Gods, all of you lot are thick!

Toad: (From the ceiling) I'll say! They let me have the room with the best view! Oh damn! Now you know I'm here!

Birdo: This is so stupid. Is anyone else going to be stupid enough to speak up?

*There is a pause*

DK: (From the floor) Well… I'd just like to say that I'm only watching this 'cos I thought Candy was going to be here.

Peach: Perfect, now I know that _all my protectors are not only pathetic, but they're completely stupid to! _

 (Note, the names of the wines in this section are made up because I know smeg-all about wines.)

*Peach, Bowser, Wario and Waluigi are in a restaurant looking at a wine menu*

Wario: Let's have the Dechanty 1987.

Waluigi: You can't be serious! The 1987 is a dessert wine! We haven't even had our starters yet! 

Wario: Oh, but it has that irresistible aroma of plums!

Waluigi: But it's a dessert wine! Why not have the 1973? That has an aroma of plums.

Wario: But it's not got such a silky texture!

Peach: I can't believe they're saying this…

Bowser: Neither can I…

Peach: Oh good. I'm not the only sane…

Bowser: The Dechanty doesn't have an aroma of plums! It doesn't even use plum! It has a deep fragrance of red grapes and a hint of oak!

Peach: (Muttering) Or maybe I am…

Waluigi: Are you sure?

Bowser: Of course. It's the Casandine series that has an aroma of plum!

Wario: I thought the Casandine series used peaches?

*Peach starts rolling her eyes and tapping her foot impatiently…*

Waluigi: No, now you're thinking of something else…

Wario: No, I know. I once had the Casandine 1964 and it had an odour of peaches, oily texture and a watery pink colouring.

Bowser: Now you mention it, it might be the Dechanty that's made with plums…

Wario: So we can have the Dechanty 1987?

Waluigi: NO! You can't have a dessert wine when we haven't…

Peach: Right! That's it! I'm going down to the pub to have a larger! (Storms out the restaurant)

Wario: What's with her?

Bowser: Do you think she's annoyed because I haven't tried to kidnap her yet?

Waluigi: (Shrugs) I dunno. 

*Mario and Luigi are playing golf and Mario has just shot a ball that is about 1mm off the edge of the course.*

Toad: OB.

Mario: No it's not!

Toad: Yes it is.

Mario: No it's not!

Luigi: Mario, why don't you just leave it?

Mario: Because I'm not going to be penalised just because this dumb, two foot tall, fungus needs a pair of glasses!

Toad: Right, that's it! If you think you'd be such a good judge, you do it! Here, have the rule book! (Throws a really thick volume entitled "Mario Golf Rules" at him) And while you're at it, why don't you look after Mario Party, (Throws two more rule books at him) that way I might actually be able to practice my tennis and go-karting so people don't think I'm such a rubbish character!

*Mario and Luigi are stood in front of the stairs in Peach's castle*

Luigi: Now we're going to try this one more time. I want you to WALK up the stairs, and NOT jump around, run up and down them or shout woohoo. Think you can do that?

Mario: Oakie-dockey!

Mario takes a deep breath and starts to walk sensibly, if not a little stiffly, up the stairs*

Luigi: Keep it up, you're doing great!

*Half way up the stairs Mario starts to grin and he looks as though he is trying to force his body not to do something, but then he just cracks…*

Mario: IT'S-A-ME, MARIO!!!! Whoopie!

*He starts jumping all over the stairs like a complete lunatic while Luigi just puts his head in his hands.*

Geno: You know something? I've decided that I could really have a future hiring myself out as a Guy Fawkes model!

*Peach is stood on the door bridge of her castle as Mario has just saved her from Bowser.*

Peach: We have to do something special for you. I know! Let's bake Mario some chocolate chip cookies!

Mario: WHAT! What happened to the cakes?

Peach: I thought you might like a change…

Mario: Why should I want a change! I've spent the last 12 years eating your cakes and I never complained once! So why should you want to change now? I mean… (Paranoidly) Oh, I get it.

Peach: Get what?

Mario: I know what's going to happen, it may just be a change from cakes to cookies now. But before I know it, I'll be thawing out sausages in the sink while you go off cavorting with Luigi!

Peach: It's not like that at all!

Mario: No! Don't lie to me. You may as well admit it so I can leave you to go find true happiness. Goodbye dear Princess, I shall not forget you. *Walks off into the distance, never to be seen again* 

*Peach is having a fight in Super Smash Bros. Melee and brings out Toad, however Toad comes out holding Peach's frying pan and whacks her around the face with it.

Peach: Ow! What was that for!

Toad: I'm sick of you using me as a shield! I quit! *Walks out of the arena.*

Peach: Oh great! Now I need someone else who I can pull out of my dress…

*About fifty men including Wario and Waluigi rush into the arena*

Men: I'll do it!

Peach: Oh brother…

*It is the beginning of Luigi's Mansion and Luigi walks into the Mansion when the chandelier crashed onto the floor.*

Wario: (Who was in the chandelier) Uhh, hi Luigi!

Luigi: (Sounding suspicious) What are you doing here? This is MY game!

Wario: Well, I like treasure and this mansion had a lot of treasure in it so I thought that maybe you wouldn't mind me coming and taking some of it…

Luigi: (In a quite kinda evil voice) Oh, A likely story! You were probably thinking that you could come in here and complete the game before I turned up, so you'd get all the credit! Well, I've got some news for you Wario. (Starts shouting like a psychopath) This is MY game! You hear me! MINE! And I am NOT (Jumps on Wario) GOING (Punches him) TO (Punches him again) LET (and again) ANYONE (and again) TAKE (Punch) IT (Punch) FROM (Punch) ME! (Kick's Wario where it hurts) UNDERSTAND?¿!?¿!?¿!?¿!?¿!?¿!?¿!?¿!?

Toad: (Who has been watching all the time) Hey, Wario! Say No and give us a laugh!

Luigi: (Wheels round angrily) Oh-ho! Now your at it to! I get it! You're probably going to lock me in here so you two can go off and make your own games!

Toad: No, I'm supposed to be here to help you save the game…

Luigi: A likely story! You're probably going to…

Elvin Gadd: Uhh, Luigi?

Luigi: (Turning around) What?

Elvin Gadd: *Freezes him with the Poltergust 3000* That should stop him.

Toad: I KNEW he'd get possessive over having his own game!

OK. I know that wasn't as good as the first one. But I ran out of ideas. I probably won't continue this, even if you ask me to. So DON'T!

(But you can review. I want this to go over the 50 review mark) 


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